Live Long and Q
by mynamemattersnot
Summary: Q pays a visit to the original Enterprise and craziness ensues.
1. Duck, Duck, Goose

**Chapter 1: Duck, Duck, Goose:**

 **Author's Note: I thought this was a** **wonderful idea so I decided to write on it. I** **don't own any Star Treks, sadly.**

Q was bored. He was really bored. He briefly thought about messing with the crew of the Enterprise, but even that was getting boring. Then, he got a brilliant idea. Why mess with the crew of the Enterprise D when he could mess with the original Enterprise? It was pure genius!

Q snapped his and appeared on the original Enterprise in a captain's uniform. Kirk looked mildly surprised to see him.

"Hello, my friends. My name is Q. I am a Q from the Q continuum, but introductions don't matter because I am really incredibly bored. And I already know you are James T. Kirk captain of the Enterprise and part of the United Federation of Planets so don't bother telling me." Q said.

"Well it's a pleasure meeting you Q. I assure you we have-" Kirk began.

"Blah blah blah. I know already. You're the good guys or whatever. Enough of that. Do you want to play a game?"

Kirk looked at him questionably and Spock looked at him both surprised and intrigued.

"If that makes you more comfortable with us, then, sure, we can play a game."

"Oh you are much easier than Captain Picard."

Spock looked at Kirk, "Jim, I'm not sure if playing a game with this being is wise. He seems to have an incredible amount of power. I don't believe he will play any game fairly with us that is if he doesn't do something to us first."

Q rolled his eyes and muttered, "Vulcans and their logic."

"I believe we should give Q a chance Spock. We cannot know his intentions yet."

"If you believe it's wise Jim."

"I do."

"Good, let's play duck duck goose then." Q said excitedly.

Before anyone could say anything Q tapped Chekov on the head and said, "Duck."

Chekov was immediately turned into a duck and the whole crew looked both shocked and appaled.

"Dammit Q! If that was you, change him back. I'm a doctor not a veterinarian!" McCoy said.

"Why Bones? I'm having fun. How about we play Monopoly now." Q replied.

Q snapped his fingers and the bridge crew and Scotty found themselves on a giant Monopoly board.

"Q, I don't want to play games with you if you change my crew into animals and bring us to god knows where!" Kirk yelled beginning to get irritated.

"Patience captain. Patience. I am all powerful and all knowing you know. I wouldn't want to be forced to use my powers."

"Change Chekov back now!"

"I can't do that."

"Yes, you can change him back."

"No."

"Change him back now."

"No."

"Change him back."

"No."

"Change him back." Kirk said taking out a phaser.

"What part of all powerful don't you not understand?" Q asked snapping his fingers and making the phaser disappear.

"I'm sure you are very powerful Q. So why abuse your power when you could use it for good?" Kirk replied.

"But using it for good is no fun. Look if you want me to change him back willingly, you're going to have to play one of my games. What about we try a maze?"

Q snapped his fingers and the crew found themselves in a maze.

"Good luck," Q said before disappearing.

"I don't like this, sir." Uhura commented.

"I don't like it either, but if we can get Pavel back this way we have to try." Kirk stated.

"Jim, I don't think it is likely that Q will change Chekov back even if we get through this maze." Spock stated.

"For once I think he's right, Jim. How are we supposed to trust this Q?" McCoy asked.

"We don't, but it seems like we may have no other choice. Unless any of you have any other suggestions."

No one spoke. Chekov quacked.

"Spock, you're good at puzzles. Why don't you lead the way?"

"Yes, sir."

The crew took hours to get through what was a long and hard maze, but they made it through anyways with Spock's help.

"Q, we made it. Can you please turn Chekov back now?" Kirk asked.

"Okay, fine. I liked him better as a duck though you know. There was not so much talk about Russia." Q said before snapping his fingers.

Chekov was changed back to normal and he looked at himself a bit confused.

"Captain, I had the strangest dream. I thought I was a duck and-" Chekov began.

"Chekov, that was no dream." Kirk stated.

"Then, how do you explain the fact that I was a duck. How is that possible?"

"Chekov, we've encountered an alien capable of amazing power. He happened to turn you into a duck."

"Yep, that's me. Q the all powerful." Q boosted.

"Why did you change me into a duck?"

"Oh calm down. It was just for fun."

"Fun? You call that fun. Back in Russia we would call that being a jerk."

Q looked annoyed, "Basically, anyone would call that being a jerk."

"Really? I thought it was just in Russia."

Q rolled his eyes, "I liked you better as a duck."

Q raised his hand to snap his fingers.

"Don't even think about it." Kirk said.

Q rolled his eyes again, but actually listened to Kirk.

"You know Kirk I still want to play some games if you're up to it."

"Jim, you'd be a madman to trust him." McCoy warned.

"I know, Bones, but we might have no other choice."

 **Author's Note: So was that a good start? Review and tell me which games you want to see Q** **and the Enterprise crew play next.**


	2. Twisted

**Chapter 2: Twisted:**

 **Author's Note: I got this chapter idea from ChystalK114. I hope you all enjoy it. I don't own any of the Star Treks, Q, or any of the other characters. I only write for fun. Please review at the end of the chapter. 8D!**

Q watched eagerly as they played Twister. He laughed as the crew got tangled up and could barely move.

"Q, stop laughing and get us unstuck please." Kirk said as politely as he could.

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

Q said.

"Q, please!" Kirk yelled irritated.

"Not this time, captain. You're going to have to find your own way out of this."

Before Kirk could argue, Spock spoke up, "Jim, this Q is clearly not logical, sensible, or serious enough to be reasoned with."

"Fine, we'll have to find our own way out of this."

They tried and tried to get untangled for a while without any success. Q continued to laugh and watch.

"Chekov, move!" Uhura yelled irritated.

"I am moving! Calm down." Chekov replied.

"Dammit, Spock stop stepping on my foot." McCoy said irritated.

"I am merely trying to get unstuck." Spock said calmly.

"Shut up all of you! That's an order!" Kirk ordered loudly.

They all stopped talking and eventually got themselves unstuck. Kirk was mad at Q and before he could snap his fingers to bring them into another game Kirk yelled at him.

"Q," he said, "No more games! I'm tired of playing! Go away! No one wants you here."

"Ouch, I take back what I said earlier. You're way worse than Picard." Q replied.

"Who the hell is this Picard you keep talking about?!"

"Oh, he's the captain of the Enterprise."

"There was no captain of any Enterprise named Picard."

"Maybe not now."

Kirk rolled his eyes, "You're a jerk and a lier too! You never time traveled!"

"Oh, but I have." Q said raising his hand to snap his fingers.

"Q, you better not-"

The crew found themselves in an earlier century. Their clothing was like characters from Shakespeare.

"Q, enough of these games. Can you please leave us alone? I believe you now. Just please let us go back home."

"Maybe, I'll consider it if you impress me." Q said before disappearing leaving them in an unknown time period.

"Suggestions, Spock?"

"Perhaps, their is a way in this century to contact the Enterprise."

"What do you have in mind Spock?"

"We build new communicators since Q took ours and use them to contact the ship."

"Can you do that, Spock?"

"I believe so, captain. We'll just have to find a way to obtain some materials to build with."

The crew began moving towards a village in hopes to find materials to build communicators. They had no idea what to expect as none of them knew when or where they were.

 **Author's Note: So was that an interesting chapter? Please review.**


	3. Shakespeare

**Chapter 3:** **Shakespeare:**

 **Author's Note: Another chapter for my fellow readers. Enjoy! I don't own Q or any other Star Trek character or Star Trek itself.**

The crew walked past two men arguing. They were saying something about biting their thumbs at each other. One actually did and the other did back. The crew walked away from them before the verbal argument got any worse.

"It appears we walked into something like a Shakaspearen play." Spock stated looking at his clothing, "It could have been one that is written or it could be something Q invented or it could be something eitherly different and new."

"Yes, Spock, but do you suppose if we're really in what is around the twelfth century that we can really contact the Enterprise?" Kirk asked.

"Probably not, Jim, but it is at least worth trying." Spock said.

Of course, Kirk ended up being right. They ended up having to steal materials because they had no form of currency but even when they built a communicator, it didn't work at all. There was no Enterprise to call.

"Q, what are we supposed to be doing here?!" McCoy asked annoyed.

"Entertain me." Q replied.

"If you take us back to the Enterprise, we'll do what you want. Just don't leave us wherever we are." Kirk said.

"Oh, you guys are a bunch of babies. Shakespeare is fun."

"No what's fun is-" Chekov began.

"Now Chekov, don't go naming some Russian playwrite or go on saying Shakespeare was inspired by a Russian or some stupid Russia is the best stuff you always do."

"But Russia is the best. I was about to say-"

"No, bad boy! Bad! Tell you what, Kirk. If you get the boy to shut up for a week, and promise to do one other thing for me, I'll leave you alone." Q lied.

"It's a deal." Kirk agreed. "Chekov shut up that's an order."

Chekov got real quiet, but he made this puppy dog face that was incredibly adorable. Q smiled and snapped his fingers and the crew was back on the Enterprise, but they were all in dresses.

"Q!" Kirk yelled, but Q disappeared again.

"Jim, maybe making a deal with him wasn't the best idea? I mean first of all do you really believe Chekov can be quiet for a week? Not may people can do that Jim." McCoy said.

"I know, Bones, but I had to promise Q something for him to put us back on the ship. I never expected to keep my promise and I believe he never expected to keep his."

"Captain, it's illogical-"

"I know, Spock."

"So I don't have to stay quiet?" Chekov asked.

"No, Chekov."

Chekov smiled, "Thank you, sir!"

Q reappeared, "Looks like someone just broke his promise."

"I'm just doing the same thing you would have done Q."

"Correct captain. One more point for the Enterprise crew, but I'm afraid that now, I won't even feel guilty for having my fun." Q said raising his hand to snap his fingers.

"Q, don't you dare-" Kirk began.

Q snapped his fingers and a metal band began playing on the bridge.

"Q, would you make them stop that god awful noise?!" McCoy yelled over the loud music.

Q just laughed and began turning the inside of the Enterprise pink.

"Captain, what he's doing is highly illogical and doesn't even make sense." Spock stated calmly.

"I know that already, Spock! But how do we even stop him?!"

Q smiled at his work and snapped his fingers a few more times and brought a few tribbles, made Kirk bald like Picard, and made everyone a red shirt.

"Wait? What's so bad about having a red shirt?" McCoy asked confused.

"Oh you'll see..." Q said smiling malevolently.

 **Author's Note: Uh oh. What craziness will happen next? Review and wait patiently to find out.**


	4. Red Shirt Madness

**Chapter 4: Red Shirt Madness:**

 **Author's Note: I hope you all enjoy this new chapter as much as I did. I don't own Q or Star Trek.**

Kirk couldn't believe just how dangerous everyday was when he was wearing red. Somehow he almost had died from starting a fire from making a salad. The crew wasn't fairing any better. Q was quickly getting annoyed with saving certain crew members of the Enterprise from stupid circumstances, but it was worth it to him to see them get themselves into trouble. Spock seemed to have the most trouble out of anyone as unexpected things began to happen whenever he was around. Every time Chekov said Russia something would almost crush him. Scott had to work without sleep for days to keep the engine from suddenly exploding. For Uhura, everyday was the same as it always was. Somehow she always managed to stay out of trouble. McCoy had to work twice as hard as people were constantly in and out of Sick Bay. It was a dangerous chaos on the Enterprise, but thankfully Q made sure that nobody died. Soon, Kirk got annoyed with having to avoid things like going on away missions and began to worry that something bad will happen to him or someone else if he didn't stop Q now.

"Q!" Kirk yelled.

Q appeared, "Yes?"

"Return us to normal colors." Kirk ordered.

"Oh no. Not until you entertain me."

"This isn't a game Q!"

"Yes, it is." Q said before disappearing.

"Captain, perhaps the only logical way out of this is to make Q disinterested in us." Spock stated.

"What do you have in mind, Spock?"

"We ignore him. We do nothing that will entertain him. We change our shirts so he cannot watch us almost get hurt. We do everything we can to make him bored with us."

"Yeh, that can work."

So for the next few days on the Enterprise, everything was uneventful. Whenever Q appeared on the Enterprise, everyone ignored him completely and pretended as if he wasn't there.

"You know captain. This annoying game isn't going to work." Q said to Captain Kirk one day.

Kirk ignored him.

"You know I bet you I can make you speak to me. Just you watch." Q said before snapping his fingers and disappearing.

Q began to plan. He had to make the crew of the Enterprise entertain him by any means possible.

 **Author's Note: Ha ha Q. Review and see what Q will do to get them to notice him.**


	5. Q's Ultimate Game

**Chapter 5: Q's Ultimate Game:**

 **Author's Note: It's been a little while I know but I'm back baby! I don't own Q or Star Trek.**

Avoiding Q was harder than Kirk thought it would be. It was literally like trying to ignore a three year old, but with much worse tantrums. Already he made a storm on the Enterprise, made Spock bald, changed Chekov's accent to a southern accent, made tribbles reappear, and made several ensigns children again. But Kirk was determined to follow Spock's advice and ignore him no matter what crap he pulled. What he didn't expect was for Q to send them into some messed up alternative universe where no one could sleep. It was outrageous. Kirk simply could no longer avoid Q.

"Spock," Kirk said with exhaustion in his voice, "We can't ignore Q any longer. The longer we go without sleep, the more our judgement will be compromised."

"I agree with you captain, but how do you suppose we entertain him?" Spock replied.

"I was hoping you'd know."

"Perhaps there is a way, sir. Perhaps we can annoy Q and drive him away."

"How do you suppose we do that?"

"By any means possible. We get our Ensign Chekov to tell Russian stories, we make loud annoying noises, we call him until he appears and then say nothing, we insult him, we-"

"I think I get the idea, Spock. Let's try it."

 **(STAR TREK)**

"Captain," Chekov said in a southern accent, "Are you sure you want me to tell Russian stories all day to you."

"Yes, and just do what you normally do." Kirk replied.

"Oh so maybe you heard about the little old lady who lived in a shoe and she-"

"You must really want me gone captain." Q said as he appeared on the Enterprise.

"No, I want you to stay forever. Maybe listen to Chekov tell stories." Kirk said with his voice laced with sarcasm.

"Captain this isn't going to-"

"Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q-"

"What are you doing?"

"Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q-"

Chekov joined in and together him and Kirk said, "Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Q."

"Stop that."

"Not until you leave us alone."

"No."

"Well then you must want to hear some old Russian jokes. Like the one where this chicken" Chekov began.

"Enough!" Q yelled, "You will entertain me and stop being so annoying."

"We're only being like you." Kirk said.

"I'm nothing like that."

"Your just a big annoying jerk who terrorizes people all day."

"Okay, fine. You got me, but this isn't over."

Q returned the Enterprise to its own universe and changed everything back to normal. Kirk was relived but nervous. What would Q do next?

 **Author's Note: I'm trying so hard to make this entertaining and fun so you can do me a great favor please and leave a nice review. Well you can probably leave a mean one too but please don't because those always make me upset. Anyways I hope you enjoyed that chapter.**


	6. Borg

**Chapter 6: Borg:**

 **Author's Note: I was purposely trying to avoid bringing in the Borg but I could not ignore a request so please humor me by at least reading it. I do not own Star Trek, Q, or the borg, or Kirk, or Chekov... and so on.**

Kirk never imagined he'd wake up to a robot version of Chekov standing over him. He yelled in surprise and he heard Q laughing. He almost thought it was some sort of nightmare and he hoped he would wake up soon.

"Chekov?" Kirk asked a bit worried and confused.

"I am Borg. You will be assimilated. I like Russia." Chekov said in a monotonous accentless tone.

"Borg? Chekov what's Borg?"

"Russia is great. You will be assimilated."

Chekov suddenly came at Kirk and reached out his hand with some sort of tool on it. Kirk was faster than Chekov and moved so Chekov couldn't touch him.

"Chekov, what's wrong with you?!"

"I am Borg."

"I don't know what the heck a 'borg' is!"

"We are superior like Russia. We will assimilate you. Resistance is futile."

"We? Oh no." Kirk said quickly getting out of the room and looking around the ship. The ship was apparently full of the so called _"Borg"._ Some people were his crew. Some weren't. They all wanted to assimilate him. He knew this was Q's doing.

"Q?! What have you done?!" Kirk yelled abhorred by what he saw.

Q just laughed and laughed. Kirk knew he was wasting his time trying to get Q to explain what was happening. He had to find Spock. Fortunately, Spock was still as vulcan as ever and had no injuries.

"Spock, what's going on?" Kirk asked.

"Apparently, Q has brought a species called Borg to the ship. Apparently they assimilate people and turn them into Borg. Captain, they got Doctor McCoy." Spock replied.

"Oh no. They got Chekov too. Perhaps we can turn them back. Chekov did seem to retain his love for Russia. So perhaps there's hope."

"I hope so captain."

"What do we do though?"

"I don't know captain."

"Maybe, we can give Q what he wants."

"Captai-"

"I want you to act illogically that's an order Spock. Take off your clothes. Do a dance like a peacock. Do anything to attract his attention. Let's try to entertain him and convince him to permenantly change everything back to normal."

Spock forced himself to smile, "Yes captain."

Kirk and Spock got naked and made complete fools of themselves by dancing around the ship. Q couldn't stop himself by laughing, but he got completely bored in a few hours.

Q sighed, "Well, captain. I guess I'll give you points for trying."

"Will you leave us alone or will you be an idiot."

"Fine!" Q said snapping his fingers.

Everything returned to the way it should be even Kirk's and Spock's clothes were back. Kirk smiled.

"Are you done yet?" Kirk asked.

"Yes, you are interesting but boring. I'm gonna move on for sure this time."

"Good. Tell Pocirld I said hi."

Q laughed and disappeared for good. The Enterprise was safe.

 **Author's Note: The end. I hope you all enjoyed this. It was a fun write, but it had to end somewhere. If you poke me enough, you may get me to throw a silly little sequel.**


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